A Deep Slow Panic
by myonlyheroin
Summary: NM AU—It has been two years since I left her behind. Two years to the exact date. My chest rises and falls in fast succession as her heart beat thundered against my ears. She's here, I'm here and dark anxiousness sets in. Will this be our final undoing?
1. prologue

**Hey guys! Here is another story idea that I've been sitting on for a bit, and I thought since today is my birthday, I'd give you guys a present from me. I do hope you guys like it! There is no posting schedule, but I do promise no more than a two week wait for a chapter, just like how it was with The Missing.**

**I borrowed the title from this AFI song, which also helped me with writing coming up with this story. If you should want to listen: www dot youtube dot com/watch?v=aA2YkYHh1Ho (just take out the spaces and the dots)**

**Thanks to Darcysmom for betaing and my pre-readers for all of their help with this one. **

**Disclaimer: Twilight or the characters are not mine. I just like to play with them. No copyright infringement intended.**

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**Prologue**

When I kissed her, I felt the goodbye imprinted on her lips the moment I pulled away.

When I promised I wouldn't go to her room that night, I watched as her heart shattered in her eyes.

She knew.

She knew I was leaving

I left anyway.

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**Thank you for taking another chance on one of my stories. I hope you like and stick around for the ride. **


	2. Chapter 1

**Here is the first chapter, I am going to try to have another up sometime this upcoming week. I have 5 chapters written for it so far, but a complete outline for it.**

**Thanks to Darcysmom for betaing and to my pre-readers and all of their help.**

**Enjoy! **

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A bell tolled in the far distance as lightning lights up the dark night sky. My body is a live wire, anxious and filled with adrenaline as I dropped my latest kill. The warm blood soothed the ache to a dull pang.

Thunder rolled as my mind was assaulted with memories of her, of us and everything in between.

Two years. Two years since I left her with nothing but a selfish goodbye and a broken heart. Two years of me going back and forth on going to her or staying away.

I had reached the end of my rope. I couldn't take it anymore.

I was tired of running,hiding from her. I battled with myself when it came to going back to her. But how do I go back and face the destruction that I left in my wake?

The blackness seeped in and took a hold of me, just as it always did whenever I thought of her.

_The last kiss we shared burned on my lips as I sat and stared out my window, wondering if I should stay or go, follow through with my plan of leaving Bella after the disaster that was her birthday party._

_I struggled to find a way to stay that would outweigh my reasons to leave her._

_I came up empty._

_The more I thought about it, the more anxious I became and paced my room in a nervous wreck, I wrung my hands, unsure of what to do with myself. My breath came in short pants, my world wanting to go black on me the faster I breathed. I was at war with myself and the right versus the wrong thing to do when it came to Bella._

_I've struggled since the first day in the Biology lab. I should've left then when I hadn't made such a huge impact on her and allowed her fall in love with me. I should have left before I could shatter her._

_I paced some more, my mind raced with thoughts of staying and leaving. I sat at my couch, my leg bouncing as fast as I could let it as I wondered what it would be like if I stayed._

_Would she forgive me for my moment of worry and second guessing myself and us?_

_When I leave, if I leave, will she be happy? Will she still think of me as I will undoubtedly think of her? Will she wonder about us, and what we could have been, or find a new love?_

_My chest hurt, filled with dark pain at the thought of her being with anyone else._

_Sometime around midnight, I became resolute on what I would do, no matter how much it hurt. I hoped that it would hurt me more than it would hurt her._

_The last day of attending classes with her, I watched her throughout the day. I could sense that she knew. She was nervous, constantly wringing her hands, her eyes darting back and forth to look at me as she bit her lip. Her arms wrapped around her middle as a tear escaped. I watched as she hurried out of the classroom, not even waiting for me._

_She was trying to run away from the hurt that was coming._

_Hours later made me realize just how wrong I could be, I had hurt her worse than I ever thought I'd allow myself to do._

_The words I said and how I said them, telling her I was leaving,and with the final blow of "I don't want you." shattered what love she had left for me. Her eyes became instantly void of the brightness they once held, her breaths came quicker as tears fell._

_Instead of trying to take my words back and comfort her, I left her there, broken and alone._

_I did what I came to do._

_I ended the only good thing in my existence and I hated myself for it._

Funny things, regrets. They have a way of following you around, pestering you, until you give in and try to fix where you went wrong. Some stick with you until your last days, but I was determined to not live with this one like I had for the past two years.

_How had I stayed away from her for so long?_

I looked around the apartment I was now renting in northern France. It was sparse, empty and devoid of any life really. I sometimes found myself wondering how Bella would have set up this apartment, what she would decorate it with, how we would live together and mesh our lives up perfectly.

I thought of her often, which to be honest, was all the time. There wasn't a moment she wasn't on my mind. She was in my head with everything I did. Not a moment went by without me wondering of what could be, what should be.

My eyes landed on a lone suitcase that held my clothes and limited possessions as I thought about packing and booking a flight. The only problem I had was selecting my landing destination. Do I go to Forks? Florida? Where was Bella now? And worst of all, was she with anyone?

Another pang hit me as the hurt in my chest renewed.

I selfishly hoped she was alone, missing me as much as I was missing her.

I placed my last piece of clothing in my suitcase just as my phone rang. I have kept in contact with the rest of my family, not as much as they would like, but I still talked to them when I felt up to it.

Talking to Esme hurt, for she reminded me of the mom Bella should have.

I answered my phone, knowing instantly who it was.

"Yes, Alice?"

"I've booked you a flight already, your email should have the details. See you soon, brother." she said and promptly hung up.

My chest began to tighten again as I looked at my email on my phone.

Landing destination: Rochester, New York.

Connecting flight and layover in London from Paris.

An incoming text chimed as I closed out my email.

**You have a car waiting for you for your drive in to Paris. Be prepared for an interesting flight.**

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**Look forward to what you guys think so far. Thank you for reading!**


	3. Chapter 2

**I want to thank you all for following, listing this story in your faves and reviewing! You guys have made me so happy to know you guys are liking this so far. I hope you continue to!**

**Thanks to Darcysmom for betaing and my pre-readers for reading for me. **

**Enjoy. **

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**Chapter 2-**

As I looked out the window at the town car below, waiting for me for my trip to Paris, I felt like I was crawling out of my own skin. The nervousness took hold as I wavered on whether or not I really should begin my journey back home, if feeling like this was really worth it.

Alice's message didn't help.

I finally forced myself to grab my luggage and head down to the car where a driver was waiting for me. With a nod to the driver as he set my luggage in the trunk, I climbed in and had a sudden urge to run, escape, anything to not face whatever it was I would be facing.

Why did this seem so hard?

I nervously sat down and stared out my window as the driver pulled away from the building. France was surprisingly warm in September, with blue skies, rolling hills and tall, green trees as we drove past, making our way to Paris.

But the green was all wrong. It wasn't the dark, wet green that I had come to love back in Forks. And that line of thinking led me on a dark path of memories of a place I called home, a home I yearned to get back.

I pressed my head against the glass, closing my eyes, trying to shut out image after image of _her._ But I couldn't, they hit me like a freight train, hard and fast. The meadow, my room, her room. Kisses that I wanted to deepen, but was too afraid to. Nights of watching her sleep while I ached to hold her.

And then that day... the day that changed everything replayed over and over, just like it had every day since I left.

Thumping my head on the window, I clenched my eyes shut as a deep, aching pain overtook my chest. I rubbed at my chest, hoping to alleviate the pain, but nothing came. As I opened my eyes, and noticed we were now entering Paris, the pangs in my chest hit me harder, deeper.

I was doing this. Really doing this. I was making my way closer and closer to facing my family again, and possibly Bella. I was more scared to face her now, then I was when I ran away to Denali when she first came to Forks.

The traffic as we entered the city center was congested and slow moving. It made me feel caged in with no where to run.

"Don't worry, Mr. Cullen. We should still make it to the airport with plenty of time to spare." My driver said, his French accent thick and heavy.

I just nodded and looked out the window when I felt the urge to have the driver turn the car aroundshould have said, but I didn't. I continued to stare out the window at slow moving cars and contemplated how the next few hours would go.

Once we arrived at the airport, with two hours to spare, I checked in and handed over my luggage. I robotically handed off my passport and I.D. I tuned out what the woman at the counter was saying.

I simply didn't care. I felt as if I was heading to the gallows, and this would be my last flight on this earth. Deep down I knew that everything was changing, that this flight would change me. I didn't know why or who, just that it would.

Security was a nightmare. I cursed Alice in my head for not chartering a private plane. The less people around me, touching me, searching me and my belongings, the better. My eyes wandered as the line crept at a snail's pace. I tried to take in my surroundings, hoping maybe my family would surprise me and be here, that maybe that was why I was feeling the way that I was, that I could feel them near, but even I knew that was wishful thinking.

As I made it through security, a woman, maybe in her 30's, had the deepest, warmest brown eyes and instantly reminded me of Bella. Her hair was the wrong color, and much too short. She smelled of cigarette smoke and cheap perfume. Nothing like my Bella.

I soon left her behind and began my trek to my gate to await my flight. I passed a shop that sold books and magazines, and decided to stop in. I found myself buying a few books and wondering if Bella would have liked them, or read them. And then I wondered if we were still together, would she read them to me, so I could hear her voice soothe me as her heartbeat would speed up when she came across certain passages in a book. I found, while daydreaming, that I wanted that...just to hear her again.

But then, just as it always does, I crushed down those thoughts as nervousness and regret engulfed me. I pushed her away, breaking us, making us irreparable.

The call for final boarding for my flight sounded, and I hurriedly made it to my gate, realizing I must have spent too long in the bookstore daydreaming. I handed off my boarding pass and began walking the long walk way to get on to the plane when I looked ahead and noticed long brown hair, with the same highlights that Bella had in hers. The girl walking up ahead, nervously glancing around, her hair hiding her face.

My chest constricted as my breath halted as the scent of strawberries lingered in the air.

I glanced behind me, noticing I was one of the last passengers to board. I could still run, run far away. That plan was dashed the minute the doors closed to the terminal and I was forced to take my seat, luckily by a window.

I was trapped. I had nowhere to go but thirty three thousand feet up as anxiety overtook me.

The flight attendants doing their drills went in one ear and out the other-I watched out my window as the plane moved out to the run way, my hands gripping my seat, even though, rationally, I knew I had nothing to fear, that nothing could happen to me.

The whine of the plane's engines filled my ears as we took off from the runway, climbing higher and higher in altitude.

And then I heard it the minute we came steady on our course and things quieted down a bit.

I heard a heartbeat.. one specific heartbeat among a hundred.

A heartbeat I never thought I would hear again. It thundered in my ears as I felt myself try to catch unnecessary breaths as my chest heaved up and down.

Her heartbeat in a crowded airplane cabin.

Me, the pathetic vampire who can't live with what he did and make it right.

The cadence of her heartbeat torturing me every mile we came closer to London

"Edward." The voice whispered, a voice I could pick out in the biggest of crowds.

I decided then that I would run the minute the plane touched down in London.

I couldn't face her, only to have her push me away. I knew I deserved that, but I couldn't live with it.

I stayed gripped to my seat for the rest of the hour and half long flight, barely moving or breathing. The screech of the tires hitting the tarmac made me want to bolt right out of my seat. I waited until they allowed us to get out of our seat belts and opened the cabin door.

I ran through the terminal and did what only a coward would do. I hid in a bathroom, hoping she wouldn't find me. I figured I could hide out until my next flight boarded, that surely she couldn't be on that one, too.

Fate wouldn't be that cruel, would it? Punishing me this way?

I glanced at my watch, noticing I needed to be at my gate.

I boarded yet another plane, preparing myself to meet my family when I smelled the heavenly scent of Freesias and strawberries as Bella sat down next to me.

Fate had played such a cruel hand.

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**Thank you guys for reading!**


	4. Chapter 3

**Hey guys! Sorry for the late update, but my father in law has been visiting from the UK, so I've been really busy spending time with family. Thank you for being patient! **

**Thank you to darcysmom for beataing. Lynz, Nikki and Heather for pre-reading for me!**

**Enjoy!**

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The electricity was back. The currents passed back and forth between us, zapping and pinging me with nervous energy. It seemed stronger than it had been two years ago in the Biology lab back in Forks.

Stealing a glance over at Bella, I noticed how still she sat, as if she was afraid to move. I listened to her breathe, it came in quick pants, and her heartbeat fluttered like a hummingbird's wings. I was surprised that it hadn't escaped her chest with how fast it seemed to go.

But Bella was always full of surprises.

My hands itched to touch her, but I wasn't sure what she would allow me to do so, or if she even wanted my touch after all this time. My fingers tapped against the armrest, begging for just one quick touch, still, somehow, I refused to allow my fingers the indulgence, even if it pained me to do so.

I wanted off the plane.

Too many uncertainties hung around me, allowing me no control over them. As much as I longed to be with Bella again, as much as I wished for this moment, deep down I was afraid of failing again. Failing with her, doubting her and her love just like I had done before I left. Mostly though, the fear of her telling me no, or to go to hell was kicking in my run from everything response.

But I would stay seated, no matter how much my fears overwhelmed me. After all, everything I have ever done since she first crashed into my existence two years ago has been for her in some way.

The plane's doors locked and we soon began our way down the runway. I would be near Bella for almost eight hours, with nowhere to go, nowhere I could run to.

The blackness, the deep rooted fears I've always held suddenly unleashed themselves on me all at once as we began to take off. All of my worries and doubts rained down on me, making me fear the outcome my time on this plane. What if when this plane landed we went our separate ways? What if this is our last shot at things? My last and only shot at redemption?

The anxiousness attacked me as we climbed higher into the sky.

I couldn't let myself screw this up again.

My worries swam around in my head as I searched for an escape, anything to get my mind off of them. I tried to start a conversation with Bella, but stopped myself. My fears overruled me again.

What do you say to someone whose heart you broke? I'm sorry doesn't seem to cut it. And why couldn't I bring myself to utter those two profound words while she's next to me? I knew I was overthinking and over analyzing everything, but I couldn't help it. I felt like too much was riding on this simple plane ride across the Atlantic.

As the plane made its ascent into the sky and leveled out, long after the ping of intercom went off, telling us we were allowed to undo our seat belts, I stared at her as she continued to sit as still as she could. She stared straight ahead at the television screen, and I wondered, as always, what she was thinking. Why of all the planes and flights in the world, did she hop on this one?

I watched her chest rise and fall as I sat in wonder that she was here next to me. This was something I obviously didn't deserve, yet someone allowed me the chance to be next to her again.

Fate.

Fate seemed like such a foreign concept to me. I didn't believe in it, not back in Forks when she walked into the Biology room and tilted my world on it's axis.

But now, two years later, I was beginning to believe. I wanted to believe that there was a reason why she was here next to me. This second meeting had to be happening for a reason. Still, my head was filled with doubt as my heart and head went to war with one another. I only hoped my heart would be the victor by the end of this plane ride.

An hour into the flight, and I still hadn't said anything, and neither had she. I argued with myself on whether I should be the first to say something, or leave the ball in her court. To be honest, the last option made me feel like a selfish coward.

A stewardess came by, offering beverages. I politely declined, while Bella ordered a soda. I was struck yet again with the need to ask her how she was, what had she been up to, why was she here? But I just stayed quiet, afraid still, that she would turn me away and ignore me. It was childish, I know.

"Are you okay?"

I quickly turned my head, facing her, my eyes searched hers as I dumbly nodded my head yes, that I am okay. She let out a sigh and flashed me a small smile before leaning down to rummage through her backpack. She pulled out a book, and I was surprised it wasn't her usual well read copy of some Austen favorite, but instead a copy of a modern day romance novel, and my eyes widened in surprise. Obviously something I never expected my shy Bella to ever read.

I guess I expected a lot of things back then.

As she flipped open her book, I surprised myself by asking her in return how she was.

I noticed the quick intake of breath as she lifted her head from her book and looked right at me, cheeks flaming with a soft blush.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay, Edward."

I let out a contented sigh as she said my name. I'd always loved the way she said Edward, even when she was a asleep. If I had a heart, I am sure it would skip a much needed beat every time she uttered it.

My brain was back at it again, wondering where to go from here. What to do and say. The weather seemed to be such a boring topic and so incredibly clichéd. As did me bringing up what she has been up to, and where she has been over the last two years.

I was lost with no clue as to where my starting point was.

She flipped a page, her eyes rapidly moved across the words as she immersed herself in her book. The urge to grab her hand and hold it was strong.

As I sat there, I felt like I was wasting all the time I had been graciously given with her. A million words flew by in my mind, never making it to my mouth. I had so much I wanted to say, such little time to say it, and yet I still held back.

My hands were balled up in little fists as I continued to argue with myself. _Just apologize to her, you selfish fool!_

"Bella..."

The instant her name fell from my lips, her head snapped up, eyes wide as she closed her book. It was almost as if she was anticipating it, wanting it.

"Yes?" she whispered, biting her bottom lip in nervousness.

"I...I...umm..." Why couldn't I just do this?

Dark brown eyes implored me to continue, to say whatever it was I needed to say.

I exhaled slowly, as I looked at her, never breaking eye contact as I finally said two simple words that I owed her two years ago.

"I'm sorry," I said, my voice breaking. "I am so sorry."

Her lips parted as if she wanted to say something, but I stopped her. "I know it isn't much, but I am so incredibly sorry, Bella." My hands shook with the need to hold her hand in my mine, but I wouldn't, not until she allowed it.

She looked at me for the longest time, as if she was searching for something in my eyes. She nodded her head, smiled, and went back to her book.

Had I just screwed this up? Was my apology enough?

My chest suddenly felt heavier, with a piercing hurt. _Where do I go from here?_

I was lost deep in my thoughts again when I felt her warmth, her hand wrapped around mine as my breathing halted.

"I let you run away from me once, Edward. I can't let you walk away from me this time."

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**Thank you so much for reading! **


	5. Chapter 4

**Hey guys! Can you believe it is fall already? I can't, though I don't miss the hot days of summer. Anyways, Hope you all are well. Enjoy the update! This chapter just might be my favorite one so far. **

**Thank you to Darcys mom for betaing and my pre-readers for reading for me. **

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The silence didn't feel so suffocating anymore. It felt comfortable, brighter even. I came to this realization as I looked down at our clasped hands, marveling at her heavenly warmth as it seeped into me slowly, surely. As if she was sharing her life force with me, somehow making me whole again.

She had yet to let go of me since the first moment she wrapped her small hand in mine. She held on tightly, as if she was making sure that I wouldn't disappear. I didn't know why it surprised me that she still hadn't pulled her hand away, but I was glad that after everything, she still wanted me near. It chased some of the darkness I felt away, but not the uncertainty I still carried.

My eyes lingered on Bella's profile, a soft smile played at her lips, a light pinkness outlined her cheeks. She looked happy, at peace and completely calm, like she was soaking in the moment.

I wanted to kiss her, just to see if her lips still felt as soft as they had before. If they would mold to mine as perfectly as they used to. If she would sigh in contentment the moment our lips touched. But I knew we weren't there yet. We had so many roads to cross before then.

"You would think that with all of the times you've looked at me before, you'd have my face memorized." Bella says, a soft giggle following shortly after. She always knew what to say to get me out of my head.

I smile as I looked at her and squeezed her hand before replying. "It's not so much memorizing as it is taking everything in. Things have changed, and I am just making inventory of the fact, Miss Swan." I winked and angled my body more towards her. "Even before I left, I would look at you and find something new that I never noticed before."

Her blush came back. "Oh? Like what? I thought with your perfect vampire eyesight, you'd see everything, I'd have no secrets."

I gulp, the urge to kiss her is growing stronger the more I look at her, hear her voice. I've yearned for one more kiss since the last one we shared wasn't enough for me. I wanted to kiss her just to know that this was real and that we were here after everything.

"Freckles. I'd noticed a new one that I hadn't taken the time to notice before. I'd find one on your nose, under your eye, above your cheek and another close to your ear. I wanted to kiss them all, I wanted to kiss each new discovery that I made."

She slowly exhaled, as if she was making sure to breathe.

"You are different now, Bella. I can't put my finger on it, but you are. Your eyes are just as dark brown, but seem wider. You don't have so many freckles now. Your eyelashes seem longer, and your lips, god, your lips even seem plumper, pinker. Your hair is wavier, and I notice new red highlights throughout it," I said, my silent heart growing with each word I admitted to her.

I brought our clasped hands up to my mouth and kissed her hand softly as I let out a deep sigh, then inhaled her precious scent. "You've simply grown up." I whispered loud enough for her to hear it.

And it is with that admission that I realize she's left me behind now. She's older now, where could I possibly fit in with her now? I am forever the frozen seventeen year old, while she's grown into a beautiful twenty year old woman. What could she possibly even want with me?

The panic, worries, and fears are back. Each one burned into me, scarring my already worn down confidence. I do nothing to stop it, I welcome them with open arms. Because what can I do to change the fact that now that she is older than me, why would she want me? Although, technically I am older than her, but not in human age.

This unsettled me.

Her hand caught me off guard as I felt her caress my face and I flinched back. Her eyes radiated understanding as she continued to run her thumb across my cheek.

"Calm down, Edward." She whispered such a simple phrase as she looked into my eyes, watching and waiting patiently.

It hit me then. She had only ever been patient with me. Back in Forks, she waited, let me do things on my terms. She may have hinted at wanting more, but she always backed off. Such a selfless creature, and yet I pushed such a beautiful, sweet thing away.

Her eyes flashed with love, kindness, and care as she continued to wait for me to get out of my own head. She always knew, always knew just what I needed. But I never gave her what she truly needed - the same amount of control back. I always took what she gave, never really giving back, giving her what she deserved.

My hand slowly moved up toward her hair and wrapped her dark tresses around my fingers as I tried to force myself to say the words I should have said instead of pushing her away two years ago.

I exhaled long and slow, before inhaling her precious scent, which comforted me, before I spoke.

"If you allow me another chance then I lay down at your feet. I am giving you control over everything. You call the shots this time, Bella. I wasn't fair last time. I never gave you a chance to really enjoy our relationship, walls down and all. I always kept close reigns, protecting myself in the awkward reasoning doing it all to protect you." I said as I played with strands of her hair.

" I hope, with a second chance, that maybe after some time we can be so much more than we ever were before." I wanted to kiss her as I allowed my words to sink in, I wanted to seal them in her with the touch of my lips. So I did, hesitantly. My lips softly touched hers and every electric charge I ever felt before in her prescience was instantly heightened, more alive and powerful. It felt as if our two beings were being molded together by the electric charge, strengthening our frayed foundation.

"Oh, Edward. All I wanted, all I ever needed, was just you." She said, smiling, her eyes shone with happiness.

She leaned back and let out a yawn. "Sorry, I haven't slept much in the past few days."

I looked at her, and I then noticed just how tired and worn out she was, so I unbuckled her seat belt and pulled her over to onto my lap. I gently pushed her head down to rest on my shoulder as she wrapped her arms around my neck.

It was heaven, and now that she was in my arms, I really didn't want to let her go.

"Why no sleep?" I asked.

"Well..." she trailed off, lifting her head up to look at me, into my eyes. "I wasn't sure if I would be taking a trip back home. That all kind of rested on you."

And now my curiosity was pinging at me even more. Did she know that I was in France all along? Alice?

"What do you mean by that, Bella?"

"When you left me in that forest, when you told me goodbye, I ran after you and I kept running. I never went home, Edward."

I gasped in shock. Her eyes implored me to listen, that she had more to tell.

"I haven't been home in two years."

I squeezed her tighter against me as I wondered just what had she been up to all this time.

She let out a sigh as tears welled up in her eyes. "I wasn't going to accept your goodbye, Edward. I couldn't, not after everything we had been through. Not after all I felt when it came to you. I couldn't let my heart down, or you down, because deep down I knew that you were simply running scared."

She knew me better than I knew myself, it seemed.

Bella leaned in to kiss my cheek and pulled back to look back into my eyes again. "I ran to your house, I begged your family not to leave me too. It was selfish on my part. I was losing everything and everyone that I loved. I know I had Charlie and Renee, and a few friends, but all of you were my true family. I felt more at home with all of you than I had with anyone else ever before."

"Oh, god, Bella. I am so incredibly sorry. I am a selfish creature."

She said nothing and laid her hand back down on my shoulder, her soft breaths fanning across my neck, sending delicious shivers down my spine.

Eventually, she gave in to some much needed sleep, and I continued to hold her. The flight attendants were not happy with that, but I wasn't going to move her. We still had many hours left to go in our flight and I wasn't about to separate myself from her. I knew we had a lot more to talk about, that this conversation wasn't done, but holding her would make up for the wait.

My mind whirred with thoughts of the past two years, my travels and failed attempts at eradicating this world of Victoria. I then pondered on just what my angel had been up to these last couple of years. With her confessions, I couldn't help but wonder if she still talked to her parents, if she ever said goodbye to Charlie. Where she was living now, if she was in school. A million thoughts flew by in my head, and it burned me to know I had no answers, but I hoped eventually that I would get them.

I kissed Bella's head as the Captain came on, telling passengers we were due to land soon and to please return to our seats.

"Bella, sweetheart, time to wake up."

Her head lifted off my shoulder as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes and returned to her seat, buckling back up.

"Sorry I fell asleep on you, Edward and put a stop to our conversation." she sheepishly smiled, blushed, and ducked her head.

The plane began its descent into New york. I started to become unraveled, worrying and panicking about how my family would receive me, and where Bella and I would go from here.

As we touched down on the tarmac, making our way to our terminal, Bella's hand took mine. "Before you see your family you need to know that I searched for you for two years, Edward. All I wanted to do was bring you home. They've missed you just as much as I have."

I nodded, unsure of what to say as we grabbed our bags from the overhead compartment and made our out of the gate and to the waiting arms of my family.

I grabbed Bella's hand to calm me as we approached baggage claim. Everyone was waiting, and soon they all rushed up to us, grabbing us both into one massive hug. It felt wonderful to be near them all again, although I worried about what I would be facing once we left the airport.

Esme pulled back and grabbed my face, kissing both cheeks. "Are you guys ready to go home now?"

I nodded, pulling Esme into my into my side as I continued to hold Bella's hand as we went to collect our bags. I looked over at Bella, wondering where home was for her, if now that she found me, would she be leaving me? Going back to Forks?

On the way out to the car, I pulled her back from the family. "What happens now, Bella?"

Emmett came up then, smiled at the both of us and took our bags to put them into the massive SUV.

"We go home, Edward, and we will just move on from there." She smiled, and leaned in to hug me.

Home. I loved hearing that word leave her lips, but I still worried just where was home for her.

"Are you coming home with us? Or are you going back to Forks?" I asked, my voice sounding a bit shaky as my worries seeped in.

"Home is where you are, Edward. I have lived with your family for the past two years. And I don't plan on leaving anytime soon."

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**As always, thank you for all of the favorites, follows and wonderful reviews. I really can't thank you guys enough for taking the time out to read. **

**And If you'd like, you can follow me on twitter atmyheroin1. **


	6. Chapter 5

**Hey guys, I know it has been ages since ADSP has updated, and I hope now to be back on the nothing over 2 week wait for update schedule again. Between being sick for 2 months with bronchitis(which took 3 different meds to knock out of me. Fun times) and kiddies keeping me busy,and small writing projects, I am finally here with an update.**

**Thank you to darcysmom for the beta'ing, Kyla713, everydaybella, Nikki and lynz for pre-reading. **

**Enjoy!**

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It had been two years since the last time I spent any time with all of my family at once, and now that I was walking into the house, it was like going back in time. The same smells assaulted me, the scents of my family, the heat passing through the furnace ducts, and then the lingering scent of Bella infiltrated my nostrils. It was deeply rooted in the air, and I couldn't help but smile.

And yet, as I looked around, the house was different, not at all like the house in Forks. There weren't as many windows, the furniture was new, and more pictures than usual adorned the walls. It felt more like a home well lived in, unlike the house back in Forks.

I tried not to ponder what that could mean, because the house in Forks held a special place in my heart. But this house seemed warmer and more inviting, and I had suspected that it all had to do with Bella having been with my family all this time.

My family dispersed and all went their own ways, leaving me be, knowing I need some time to myself to get used to things.. and Bella.

Bella squeezed my hand and smiled up at me before she let go to make her way up the stairs. I followed after her, my eyes automatically zeroing in on her hips as they swayed with each step, and I felt myself growing warmer as my eyes drank in her back side. When we reached the third floor, I realized that I felt no guilt for looking at her lustfully, not like I had back in Forks. I liked this new feeling, and as I watched her open a door leading into a bedroom, I hoped to explore this newfound revelation... in time.

"I'll just be across the hall in my room. You are welcome to come in anytime." Bella said, a hint of pink blush coloring her cheeks. "I think you'll find a lot of your stuff from your room in Forks here. I grabbed what I thought you'd want most." She smiled before she turned around and went across the hall to her room. I wanted to ask her to stay with me but thought better of it.

As I stepped across the threshold to my room, I was assaulted with Bella's scent. It seemed heavy in here, and I actually didn't mind it. It made me curious, had she been in here a lot?

My bedroom walls were lined with music, both in CD form and vinyl, my fingers passed over their spines as I noticed a bookcase over on the far wall, right next to the window that overlooked our backyard. There was no Sul Duc river in my view, just tall pine trees and a garden Esme must have brought to life.

The room was very much me, but the more I looked around, I found hints of Bella throughout it as well. On the bookcase was a lot of her favorite books, which stood up next to all of my journals throughout the years, and books I have purchased. On one of the shelves, framed pictures stood out - pictures of my family, of Forks, of Bella. Pictures of Bella and me that I never knew were taken. In one, I was standing behind her, my arms around her as I laid my head on top of hers as she smiled the sweetest of smiles.

I wanted to walk across the hall and kiss her until her breath gave out after seeing that.

But I sat down on the black couch and sighed, thinking back to a love I threw away as I stared more at the picture. Things were perfect as could be then, but not right. We had so much to learn, or I had so much to learn. Bella seemed so comfortable with our love, and even though I let my walls down from time to time, I still stood off to the side, never fully immersing myself in the love we shared.

That would change this go-round.

The house was quiet, I had heard the latch of a door closing a long time ago as everyone left, leaving the two of us behind. I wondered what she was doing in her room, if she wanted some company, but I figured she would most likely want her space.

"Yeah, Dad, I found him," I heard Bella say, and a muffled reply soon after. My curiosity soon won out and I found myself outside her bedroom door, eavesdropping.

Bella sighed, and I could hear her footsteps as she began to pace back and forth as she continued with her phone call.

"I know Dad, it's just..I don't want to think about everything right now, I'm just glad I found him, you know? I don't want to worry about anything else right now," Bella said, her voice shaking more and more with each word. I yearned to break through the door and hold her, I didn't want her to be sad, in pain or have any worries.

Even if she doesn't realize, she had done so much already. She brought me home.

"Yeah, I promise to check in more. And I will call you back with my flight information once I get it all sorted."

_What?! Was she already leaving me? Leaving us? _My mind whirled with anxious thoughts. Why was she going back to Forks, why couldn't Charlie come here? And then I felt like an absolute ass after those thoughts, and a selfish one at that. But I didn't want her to leave. Though, I suppose, i deserved it, since I did leave her.

More indecipherable mumbles came through the phone as Bella exhaled long and slow. "I love you, dad. I know I don't tell you enough. Yup, talk to you later."

The click of the phone left me wondering if I should run back to my room, and hope that she didn't know I heard her whole conversation with Charlie, or not be a coward and stay here and accept her wrath.

So I stayed, my head pushed against the door as I closed my eyes and did something I had never really done before.

I didn't run away.

The door swung open, and I looked up at Bella, just as she let out a small squeak and surprised, "oh!" as she noticed me standing outside her door.

"I found that I couldn't stay away," I said, my voice low and grave as I bowed my head.

"Hey, it's okay, Edward. I don't mind. Though, I suppose you heard my conversation?"

I nodded, whispering my apologies and how rude it was of me, when she placed her warm finger under my chin to make me face her.

As I took in her appearance, I noticed how happy she looked. She simply glowed as she smiled at me. And that, that knowledge that she was happy to see me somehow made me feel warm inside.

"You don't have to apologize, Edward. I've had a lot of time to get used to super vampire hearing and all." She flashed me another smile and opened her bedroom door wider, allowing me to come in.

I was surprised at how different it was from her little room back in Forks. There was no purple bed set, no childhood drawings that adorned her walls. No small desk and ancient computer.

This was grown-up Bella's room, and you could really see her personality in this room. You could tell that she felt at home here. Her room's walls were painted a light blue, her bedding was a dark blue and green. She had clothes strewn about, bookcases filled to capacity, and pictures of all of us, her dad and friends from back in Forks.

My eyes continued to wander about her room when I came across a big wooden desk with a laptop open on it, above it though was what caught my attention. A diploma from Forks High school.

"You graduated? But I thought..."

"Yeah, um, I did. Though, didn't do the whole graduation ceremony. It didn't seem right, or feel right."

I looked at her, wondering what she meant and how she managed to graduate if she left Charlie when I left her. I lifted an eyebrow in question.

"I suppose I should give you some answers, huh?"

I nodded, flashing a small smile as I followed her to her bed and sat down, making sure to give her some space in case she didn't want me so close to her.

"I never thought we'd ever be apart, really. I never thought you'd leave me. I thought, or rather I hoped that we had forever."

I could smell the tears that were beginning to build in her eyes, and the hurt that I've put off feeling for so long came rushing back.

"That day in the woods...When you said goodbye to me. I had to believe that somewhere deep down, you still loved me, that your family still loved me as much as I have loved all of you."

I caught the first tear that fell and surprisingly she didn't flinch when my cold hand brushed her cheek. I wanted to kiss it away, take her pain and make it my own, but I stayed back, letting her get whatever she had to say, out.

"Well, you know I went back to your house from our talk on the plane, but, I, well, to see you drive off when I got there nearly brought me to my knees. You were leaving all of us behind, and I knew you were scared. So, I went to your family, I just barged in. They were still packing, and I pretty much told them that they couldn't leave without me, that I couldn't lose all of you. That I would do anything."

Bella was a braver creature than I. And as she continued to talk, it dawned on me just how far her love for me went, and for our family. It amazed me and saddened me at the same time. I should never have run, I should've cherished what she gave freely instead.

"I won't bore you with more of that, but you may want to talk to your family at some point. I'm sure they can tell you much more than I can. Because, to be honest, I don't remember much of what happened when I came to your house, or when I went home to Charlie. I was still not over your goodbye, and I was drowning in hurt."

My arms found their way around Bella and pulled her up on my lap and I held her tightly, whispering long overdue apologies. I didn't know what else to say, or how to make up for everything I had put them all through.

"Anyway, I think it was Esme who convinced Charlie to let me finish school online, like I was home schooled. That way, I could still get a diploma through the High School. Carlisle may have fudged a doctor's report, saying I was very sick and would have to finish school at home. I remember promising Charlie on the phone that I would graduate, that I would find you, that I had to bring you home. And I really didn't want to walk across that stage without you. I met you at Forks High, I wanted to leave Forks High with you."

Bella laid her head on my shoulder and let out a soft laugh. "It is pretty much safe to say that Charlie was not at all happy with me, or you. He still isn't happy with you, but he knows I love you, even if he thinks I'm crazy for it. He told me once that if he had the guts to do so, he would have chased after Renee, just as I had chased after you."

I kissed her cheek softly, and whispered a thank you as I continued to hold her, but I couldn't help but be curious about a few things.

"I am so sorry for eavesdropping, but are you leaving? Why?"

Her head lifted off my shoulder as she looked into my eyes. "Yes."

I tried to reign in the anxiety that I felt. Would this be it? Are we over before we really began again? Will I see her again? Does my family know?

"Edward?" I felt her hands on my shoulders.

"Edward!" I realized she was shaking me.

"Edward, god damn it, listen to me!" She shook me harder than before. "You are okay, breathe with me." Her hands pressed hard on my chest. "In and out, just breathe with me, I promise you are okay."

Eventually my anxiety and worry lessened enough that my breathing calmed down and I was able to focus on her. Her small hands came up to my face as she turned my head towards hers.

"I am leaving, but I promise to always come back to you, Edward. Always, okay?"

"Okay." Was all I could say, I didn't know what to do, say or feel.

"I don't want to leave you so soon, or our family, but I promised Charlie. I haven't really seen him in two years. I want you to come with me, but I also know that you are not ready for more travel, and you should spend some time with your family. They have really missed you, you know?"

I smiled and hugged her, my emotions on a thin rope. I wasn't at all ready to be without her. I don't know when I became so dependent on her, but I think, maybe in a way, I always was, but was too stubborn to admit it.

"I only plan to be gone a few days, maybe a week at the most. But we will always be in contact, okay? I've gone two years without you, Edward, I don't want any more days without you in them unless I can't help it."

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**Thank you for reading!**


	7. Chapter 6

**Hey guys, another update. Thankfully, not a long wait this time. * laughs * I hope you all are having a great December so far.**

**Thanks to kyla713 and Darcysmom for looking this over. As well as Heather, Nikki and packy. **

**Enjoy!**

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Watching her pack was hard when all I wanted to do was childishly grab everything she was packing into her suitcase and put it back. I selfishly wanted her to stay. Deep down, even though I knew I shouldn't doubt her, I had the fear that she wouldn't be back. So, as I watched her, I cataloged everything about her. The way her hair hung and hid her face, the way her body moved, and her hands small but sure as she placed each new item in her suitcase.

Before she zipped up her suitcase, I smelled the tears. The need to grab her and hold her was too strong. My arms were around her before she could wipe her tears away.

"I never want to be the cause of tears, love. I know that this is something you have to do. So dry those eyes." I said, as I leaned my head down and kissed the top of her head, inhaling her precious scent deep, as deep as I could pull it. "For me?" I whispered as I tilted her head up and looked into her eyes.

Bella nodded and bit her lip. The desire to kiss her was overwhelming, but I held back.

"So, I have a suggestion, if that is okay with you?" I asked before I turned around and started to head back into my room. I grabbed a clean shirt and took off the one I was wearing before putting the new one on. I then also took a button down shirt from my closet before making my way back to Bella.

I nervously handed her the button down and the shirt I was wearing, hoping she would like my idea. "I figure if we have something with each other's scents on it, maybe that will make all of this easier?" I told her, hanging my head low, waiting for rejection.

She flung herself into my embrace and wrapped her arms around my neck, kissing my cheek. "Sounds like a perfect plan to me, Edward. I guess I'll be changing into my boyfriend's shirt before I go, then." She said, winking.

I doubt she even realized what she had called me, but I couldn't deny how much warmth it brought to me. I didn't want to correct her -I knew we had a long way to go, a lot of talks ahead of us and so much to do before we got back to where we were once before. I only hoped that we would get there. I know we had decided on taking another chance, but I wasn't sure where we completely stood with that.

A knock at her door made the realization that I would be without her again- even if only for a few days at most- crash down around me. My hands shook as I turned to face the door and Bella yelled out to Jasper that he could come in. In his mind, he felt bad for interrupting, but Bella was already running late.

He smiled and looked over toward her. "All packed, Bella? Oh, and Alice said Charlie will be needing this." he said as he handed Bella a package from Alice, since even Jasper didn't know the contents.

"Yeah, just about packed. I should be down in a few minutes. Just need to add a few things and change," she said with a smile.

"So, I guess, um, I'll let you change and be on your way," I said, feeling anxious all of a sudden as I left her room and stood outside her door.

She came out a couple of minutes later wearing my button down shirt, her coat draped over her arm as she tugged her carry-on behind her.

I forced the lump in my throat down as I took her carry-on and followed her down the stairs.

"You ready?" I asked, my voice sounding off to me, grittier than before.

Bella nodded and grabbed a hold of my hand as we continued on down the stairs. It felt like the longest walk I had ever taken, and I didn't want it to end. I didn't want to reach that moment where she let go of my hand.

"You promise to call?" I asked, feeling so much like a small child that was completely unsure of themselves. Giving Bella the control this time was hard, very hard.

She came up and hugged me, holding me tight as she kissed my cheek again. "I promise, Edward. I plan to call you before I take off and when I land, and as much as I can when I'm at Charlie's. I've never broken a promise to you. I don't plan to start now."

Those last words hit me hard in the gut. She's never broken a promise...but I had. I promised to never leave her, but I did two years ago. How could she possibly be okay with me now? I could feel my walls crumbling as I tried to keep myself in check long enough to see her off. It had been decided as Bella packed that Jasper and Alice would be taking her. Carlisle was too afraid to let me go out in public again, seeing as I hadn't hunted since being back in the States. He didn't want to take the chance, no matter how badly I wanted to go with her.

"So, I guess I'll see you all in a week." Bella said as she hugged each of us before going out the front door with Alice and Jasper.

My knees nearly buckled when I heard the car door slam shut. I barely made it back up the stairs and to my room as I listened to the car start and drive down the driveway.

Everyone that remained in the house wanted to come check on me, but decided to leave me alone. And I wanted to be alone. If how I was feeling was half of what Bella felt when I left her, then I didn't know how she survived the crushing emotion of such dark loneliness.

Some time later, my phone rang. I answered, and was greeted by Bella's voice.

"Is it weird of me to say that I miss you so much already, even though I left a few hours ago?" she said, her voice thick with emotion.

"Not at all, lo-Bella. I feel the same."

"I left my shirt on my bed for you." She sighed as I heard the boarding call for her flight. "I guess I'll talk to you in a few hours, Edward. Spend some time with your family, okay? For me? Please?"

When Bella hung up, I still kept the phone to my ear, not ready for that connection to be severed.

It was near one in the morning when she called again, telling me that she had landed and that she and Charlie were going to get a hotel room in Seattle and drive home in the morning. The urge to plead for her to just come back to me was stronger than ever. That, and the need to just say I love you. Again, a click and a dial phone brought back my loneliness, despite the few minutes of respite hearing her voice had brought.

Sometime around four in the morning, my family decided they needed to intervene. I sighed, knowing resistance was completely futile. They'd just come in anyway.

"Come in." I said, resigned.

Carlisle poked his head in before walking into my room, smiled and shut the door.

"You know, this is the first time in two years that she's left to see Charlie." Carlisle said as he sat down on the floor across from me. I took notice in the fact that he didn't say that she went home to Charlie.

"She fought hard, very hard to stay with us these past two years. Such a little thing, but full of so much fight and passion. She surprised even me," he said, smiling as memories fluttered through his mind. "The only time she left home, left us, was to find you. Something deep down inside of her told her she'd find you. It was that conviction that told me you were so much more than mated. You were two parts of a whole. I sometimes wonder if the both of you share the same soul."

I looked up at my father then, wondering just what he meant by that. "It's in the way you both carry yourselves and in the way you love. The need for family, and the fierce loyalty you both have. It's in the way you two look at each other, like the world comes together again." he said, his eyes looking more glassy as he went on. "It's in the way you both doubt yourselves, put yourselves down and think that neither of you are destined for amazing things, such as for each other."

I wanted to deny it all, refute everything he just said, but deep down, as the truth settled in me, I knew he was right. So I looked up at him, nodded, silently begging him to continue.

"The first time I saw the two of you together, I could feel the magic in the air. Fate's stirring, building. I knew that for you and for her, there would never be another. So, when you came to me that September, telling me you had to leave...I knew we were facing ruin. I say ruin because you, for all intents and purposes, are my first child, but Bella...She was, and still is, the glue that held this family's foundation together. And if she hadn't fought so fiercely to be with us, it pains me to think that we might not even be here right now."

The rest of the house was silent, every other family member listening to Carlisle, and in their heads, voicing their complete agreement.

"I know you are scared, and that you don't know what will happen in the future. None of us do, but what I do know is that girl will always come back to you. Because she can't live without her soul, just as you can't. Unfortunately, you both learned this the hard way."

Carlisle moved from his spot on the floor and came over to sit next to me, placing his arm around my shoulders and pulling me closer into a hug.

"I tell you all of this now, so that you fight for her just as fiercely as she fought for you. Show her that you are just as strong as she is, that you will be waiting for her, not agonizing over her being gone for a few days. Show her that you know that she will always come back, Edward. Show her that you have trust in this relationship, that you are all in."

I nodded, admitting that I really needed to hear this, to know what to do. Deep down, I knew it, I just needed the affirmation.

"I don't plan to let her down this time."

"Good, because if you hurt my daughter again, don't think I won't take you outside and tear you limb from limb," he said as he chuckled and winked at me. "Now, I believe you have a phone call to make? Alice said she's still awake, unable to sleep."

Carlisle got up and left my room, tossing my phone to me, just before he left through the door. It rang a couple times before Bella picked up, exhaustion evident in her voice.

"Hello?"

"Hey...So, I hear you are having trouble sleeping?" I asked as I picked at the carpet on the floor.

"Yeah. It is oddly quiet here. I miss Emmett's laugh waking me up at odd times during the night." she said, giggling.

"Yeah, well, at least he is good for that," I replied, obviously joking.

_She loves my laugh and she knows it! I only do it to annoy her. She's funny as hell when she wakes up grumpy. Reminds me of a grizzly._ Emmett said, directing his thoughts to me. I let out a soft chuckle.

"How about I hum you to sleep? Maybe your lullaby?" I asked, hoping she'd allow me this.

"I can never say no to you, Edward. I'd love it if you did," she said, a yawn breaking through the phone.

I started to softly hum her lullaby, and then went into Esme's song. Soon, her breathing evened out, signaling that she had fallen asleep. I whispered a goodnight before hanging up, suddenly feeling so much lighter than I had hours before.

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**Thanks for reading, guys! I hope you enjoyed! **


	8. Chapter 7

**Sorry for the wait guys. I have no excuse, other than the fact I have so many fics and not enough time. I still need to get two more chapters of she gave me words up for Edwards Eternal. Another bout of Bronchitis kind of put a kink in those plans. **

**Anyway, thank you to Darcysmom and kyla713 for looking this over, and to my pre-readers. **

**Enjoy. **

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I was going out of my mind with worry. Bella hadn't called, texted or anything in twelve hours. The last time I had talked to her was when I hummed her lullaby until she fell asleep, and even then, I stayed on the phone and listened to her breathe. I couldn't bring myself to hang up, but eventually the dial tone came though, and with that, my panic slowly began to build.

Being away from her now was strangely harder than before. How I stayed away from her for two years, I'd never understand. I was fighting the intense urge to book a flight to her, but Alice pretty much put a stop to that.

_You have to trust her. She's never let you down before. _The last person I wanted in my head was Alice, and it seemed to be a constant thing she kept shouting in my head. She was right though; Bella had never let me down before. Why was it so hard for me to let go? Just be? Deep down, I knew she'd be back, but I hated the wait. The unknown.

I decided to send her another text, in the hopes that she'd finally answer.

**E: Just wanted to check in on you, see how you are.**

I pressed send and waited for a reply. I needed something to take my mind off her and everything that was currently going through it. I had the sudden urge to play my piano, but the moment I stood up, thoughts of Bella crashed into me and it immediately seemed wrong for me to play it without her there. Reminders of her were everywhere. I could smell her, taste her scent each time I passed my room as well as hers. She had infiltrated every place in the house.

_I haven't seen her in hours, Edward. I'm sure it is nothing, now stop worrying. _Stop worrying? How did Alice expect me to stop worrying with that piece of news? That just made me worry even more. I ran downstairs, placed my hands on Alice's shoulders and tried not go overboard.

"What do you mean you haven't seen her, Alice? And when were you planning on telling me?" I asked, shaking her. Eventually, Jasper told me to back off, so I did.

"She's disappeared from my radar before, only for a few hours. She's always called us. She knows we worry."

I sat down and placed my head in my hands. "What if something has happened to her? Why are we not on our way to Forks now?"

Carlisle came down stairs, placed a hand on my shoulder, squeezing. "Don't worry, Edward. She's figured out a way to get around Alice when she wants privacy."

"You are not helping my worry to go away," I said, venom lacing my voice.

"It is out of our hands, Edward. She'll call, she always does."

I stood up and stomped off. I knew I was acting childishly, but I couldn't help it. I had so much panic and worry surging through me and no outlet for it. What was I supposed to do?

As I stepped into my room, I closed the door and began pacing, my breaths came out in quick pants as my chest felt oddly painful. I rubbed at the center; no relief came. I sat down, only to stand back up again and resume my pacing. My hair was now standing up at all ends due to my frantic pulling at it.

A knock came at my door. I could smell Esme, and I knew she wanted to comfort me, so I whispered for her to come in.

Esme sat down next to me and pulled me down to her as she wrapped her arms around me, soothing me just as a mother would.

"So, I have an idea, if you want to hear it," she said in calming, hushed voice.

I nodded into her shoulder. I was at the point where I would do anything right now.

"Why don't you put your own touch on Bella's room, just as she did to yours? I'm sure she'd love it. I think it would help you in a more positive way to get your mind off things. I could even give you a few hints," she said, winking.

I smiled at the woman I considered my mother. "Sure, let's try that."

Esme handed me a piece of paper, and when I opened it, I noticed Bella's handwriting. "Why are you handing me this? I'm not sure Bella would want me to invade her privacy."

"You're not. That is a list of things she's had for ages. Things she has been meaning to get for herself, but never got around to. She's been too busy chasing down a mate to spoil herself." She nudged my shoulder and smiled. "She wouldn't allow us to buy them for her while she was gone, either. You know how she can be."

I nodded. I did know. That girl would put up a fight when it came to me buying her the smallest things. All I ever wanted to do was make her happy. My eyes scanned down the list; of course, books were at the top of it. I chuckled softly to myself. "Well, one thing is for certain, she's still as predictable as ever."

"I don't think that will ever change, Edward. You know her. Deep down in your heart, you know everything about her. And that is how you know that she will always return to you." Esme stood up and kissed my cheek. "I'll be downstairs if you need anything, okay?" She handed me my laptop before leaving my room.

My first stop was Barnes and Noble's website, where I spent close almost two hundred dollars on books for Bella. Some of them I had never heard of before, but figured they were new releases. I also saw I was replacing a few of her favorite, well-read novels as well. I visited a few more websites to get the rest of the items off her list. I ordered her the new bedding she wanted, some of her favorite bath things, along with a few odds and ends she had down.

I couldn't help myself when it came to the end of her list. I had to get a few things she wasn't expecting. So, I clicked on to a few more websites, ordering her some new bedroom furniture, tickets to a concert and something special that I hoped she'd wear someday.

Closing my laptop, I stood up and stretched, feeling a little bit better. I hoped she would enjoy everything I got her.

A few hours later, I sat the book I was reading down when my phone rang. I hoped with everything in me that it was Bella.

I picked it up as fast as I could and answered. "Bella?"

"Hey, Edward," she said, sighing.

"You okay?" I asked as I began pacing my room again.

"I'm fine, stop worrying, please."

"I can't. It's natural for me to worry about you."

"I know, and I'm sorry for making you worry. Some stuff came up, and I've unfortunately been busy. I meant to reply to your text, but I set my phone down and then my dad got my attention."

"It's okay. As long as you are okay, it's okay."

"No, it's not. Don't lie. I know you were pacing and going out of your mind with worry, and no, before you ask, no one told me. I just know you," Bella said, a light laugh came through the phone. "Oh! Remember that package Alice sent me off with for Charlie?" She didn't give me time to answer. "It came into good use today."

She sounded happy, which made me happy, and I couldn't help but smile. "Well, what did she send?"

Bella laughed. "It was a nice suit and tie, which he hated changing into, by the way. But he finally got the guts to ask Sue out. He looked really good, though. So can you please thank Alice for me?"

"Of course."

"Now, onto why I am calling. I'll be home the day after tomorrow. I want to give you my flight information. I was, um, kind of hoping that you'd pick me up?"

My chest swelled with happiness. She wanted me! She was coming back sooner than I thought she was!

"Of course I will! I wouldn't have it any other way!" I was sure she could detect just how happy this made me.

We made plans for me to pick her up at around ten at night on the day she flew out from Forks. I couldn't wait.

"Can I just ask you one thing before you go?" I asked Bella.

"Always, Edward."

"How come Alice couldn't see you today? I can't help but be curious."

"Oh, I have a theory about that. I think I just make a choice in my head that I don't want to be seen, make sudden choices. And well... Sue is from La Push...So, it's possible.."

_What is possible? Why do I have the feeling this was something Bella didn't want me to know?_

"Bella, what is possible?"

"Well, um, she's part of the tribe, so probably carries the wolf gene...and well... Jacob and Seth came over with her, too."

The line went quiet, before she finally sighed and said, "They both phased shortly after we left."

I almost dropped the phone. She knew they were wolves and still allowed them to be around her?!

"Bella... How? Why? You knew?"

"Yeah. But I was safe, Edward. Promise. Stop freaking out, please."

How did she expect me to just brush it off? What if one of them lost control? I couldn't lose her, I wouldn't lose her!

"Edward? Breathe for me, okay? In...out. Come on, calm down."

I didn't want to calm down. I wasn't okay with any of it.

_But I need to be okay with it, don't I? I need to trust her, believe her, right?_

"Sorry," I said, my breaths eventually slowing down.

"It's okay. I understand."

_No, love, I don't think you do. I can't die, but you can._

"And Edward?"

I sighed, "Yeah?"

"You know I love you still, even after everything."

_She still loves me? Does this mean she still wants me? That I can call her mine?_

"I think I really needed to hear that, Bella. I've always loved you, even when we are and were apart."

"I'll see you in a couple days, yeah?" she said, sounding happier.

"Yes, I'll be the pale guy standing at baggage claim with flowers and a big smile on my face."

"Good. I'll be the not as pale girl who will be running towards you as fast as she can, in the hopes you'll catch her."

"I'll always catch you, Bella. Always. Now, just come home to me."

"Home sounds so much better when you say it."

We hung up, and I was more excited than I had been in a long time.

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**Thoughts? Thank you for reading.**


	9. Chapter 8

**Hey guys, finally and update for ADSP, yeah? Things are slowing down here, so I am finally getting more time to write. Thank you for being patient.**

**Thanks to Kyla713 and Darcysmom for looking this over, as well as Heather and Packy for pre-reading for me.**

**Enjoy.**

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The same familiar feelings came back that I had two years before when I first laid eyes on Bella and went home and paced my room back in Forks, all the while wondering if I should stay or go. Desperately clinging on to the thoughts that I had to get away from her, save her from me. The nervousness and fear that grabbed a hold of me then, had a tight grip on me at that moment as I walked around my room in Rochester. Instead of trying to get away from her, I was wondering if it was too early to head to the airport and get Bella.

Such a huge change two years made in me.

I was nervous, so incredibly nervous because I didn't know where we stood. I knew what I wanted, I knew she said she'd give us another go, but what all did that entail? Could I call her mine now? Woo her? How should I approach certain topics with her, like her change, which she still hadn't talked to me about? I knew I loved her, and she loved me; maybe not as much as she used to, but I hoped in time we would get back to where we were before I screwed it all up in that god forsaken forest.

It scared me to know that we were nowhere near fixed. We had so far to go, and what if...what if we didn't make it the second time around? The fear that I had before was nowhere near the fear I found myself experiencing since coming back. Instead of fearing Bella herself, like I did back in Forks when I first encountered her, it was the future I desired with her. She may even want the same things now that she did back then.

I sighed and tugged at my hair, fantasizing of days upon days where I had Bella all to myself, where we spent hours and hours in a meadow, escaping our family and talking about anything and everything. I closed my eyes and let my mind drift further into my dreams and hopes, and I thought of Bella and how she would come to me, requesting her change. I fantasized how it would go, how she would be one of my kind. I was so afraid to embrace it back then, but now I found that I wanted it more than anything. As I opened my eyes and looked around my room, I realized that I had wasted two years running from everything I'd always wanted. I knew it back then, but I let my brain over rule my heart.

I hated myself a little bit more for that. God, how many days I wasted running away.

My eyes wandered over to the clock—it was just after six in the morning. Bella wasn't due to board her flight for a long time yet. I was anxious; I only wanted her here with me, in my arms. Time couldn't pass soon enough.

A knock at my bedroom door brought me out of my wallowing as I called for Carlisle to come in. He smiled at me and closed the door, before walking over to me and sitting down.

"Are you sure you don't want company to go and pick Bella up?" Carlisle asked, his golden eyes glowing with happiness.

"No. I feel like it needs to be only me," I told him, smiling. "I want to be the only one to greet her... no offense, Dad."

Carlisle's eyes shined as he smiled after I called him "dad". I knew he secretly liked it, even though he had no true parental hold on us. But I would do anything to make him happy. After all, he did so much for us.

"I think I can understand that. Plus, she texted me last night and told me she only wanted you," he said, laughing. "It was usually me who went to pick her up at the airport, and had to see the look of defeat and sadness on her face at the baggage claim."

I didn't know what to say to that; it was yet another thing to add on to my list of why Bella should hate me for eternity. Clasping my hands as I bowed my head, I asked, "How can she ever forgive me? I mean... I put her through so much."

I felt my father touch my back, his hand squeezing my left shoulder. "I think you forget, Edward, that Bella would do anything for you. I think, for her, she didn't care so much about the hurt, just that she missed you, loved you and wanted to find you." He sighed before continuing. "I didn't tell you that to make you guilty. I told you that because I want you to realize how much things have changed. I don't have to pick up a sad Bella anymore. For once, I get to see her come home with a smile on her face."

I smiled and looked up at Carlisle, his topaz eyes full of happiness, and I suddenly had the urge to just hug him, thank him for everything he had put up with when it came to me. So I did, I stood up and hugged him, catching him completely by surprise, judging by the gasp he gave when I placed my arms around him and squeezed him tightly.

"Wh-what is this for?" he asked, emotion clearly coating his voice.

"I feel like I never thank you enough for all that you have done and continue to do for me, for all of us. But especially for me, Dad. I've put you through so much throughout the years, and yet you still stand by me." I pulled back, my arms still on his shoulders as I looked at him. "I love you, Dad. I don't tell you that enough."

Carlisle's eyes glistened with tears that would never fall, so I grabbed him again, hugging him even tighter. When he embraced me back, it seemed that I finally allowed myself to feel true parental love for me, instead of letting my walls deflect it. It felt nice, warm, heavenly.

"Edward...I know this life isn't easy. And sometimes, I feel entirely too selfish simply due to the fact that I get to keep you all, call you my family. There are times I don't think I deserve any of it, but then I get moments like this, and somehow, it makes it all worth it. I never truly believed in fate until your mother begged me to change you in that hospital back in Chicago. My belief in it became stronger when I found Esme again," he told me, smiling. "When Rosalie and Emmett came along, I heard fate pulsing even louder when it brought Alice and Jasper to us."

Carlisle sat down again, patting the seat next to him. "But fate was never stronger and more insistent on me knowing its existence until that day you brought Bella home for the first time. I think the whole house, whether they want to believe it or not, felt complete. Fate had done its job."

I knew the feeling he was talking about. I remembered the first smile I ever received from Bella in the Biology classroom in Forks. It was a shy smile, but it made me feel as if I was complete and had found my place.

As I looked at Carlisle, waiting for him to continue, the thought hit me: Bella. She was my home the minute she stepped through those doors to that classroom, and that fate was obviously stronger than fear. I could try and run, but my home was always with her.

"I think I agree with you, Carlisle. She was always our missing piece."

He nodded and smiled. "You know... she called me Dad once, and god, if I could have, I probably would have broken down and sobbed. Just knowing that I mean that much to her...well, that's a very special thing to know."

"It is. I think I'm more comfortable now with the idea that she was meant for this family than I was two years ago. I'm not scared anymore. I'm ready to embrace it, if she'll still have me."

Carlisle chuckled. "She'll always have you, Edward. She wouldn't want it any other way. Trust me, everything will work out and you'll get your eternity." He stood up and began walking to the door. "Well, since I'm not needed and you're picking up Bella, I'll let you enjoy your day until you have to leave to get her."

He left my room shortly after and I felt lighter. I listened to him hum his way down the hall as he made his way to his study, and right before he opened his door, his voice infiltrated my head. _Esme said she picked up some flowers for you to give to Bella, and you better not make my daughter cry on her way home. One tear, Edward..._

I let out a loud laugh and fell back onto my couch, knowing Carlisle would hear me before I whispered. "Never. I'll never make her sad again."

_Good, _he replied in my head.

I lazed about for a few hours before picking up all the packages that I'd had expedited for Bella's room. I arranged the new bedding, pictures, and books around her room. I hoped she wouldn't mind the few surprises that I had set up for her. Then I went back to my room and grabbed a few things of my own, before going back to hers and placing them about, hoping they would catch her off guard.

I looked around, noticing that something was missing, besides Bella. My eyes wandered over to the bedside table, noticed it was devoid of objects and I knew immediately what should go there. I went back to my room one last time and grabbed a picture of us from the prom at Forks and placed it on the surface. I placed a tulip from the bunch of flowers that Esme had gotten for me to give to Bella. Suddenly, I felt a bit better about our future.

The hours of waiting to leave for the airport were agony. I never wanted time to speed up so badly before. Every time I looked at the clock, I'd scrunch my eyes and curse, wishing it was two hours later than what it was telling me.

My phone pinged shortly after five in the afternoon my time with a text from Bella.

**Just arrived at airport. Missing you. -B**

I replied that I was anxious to see her and that time couldn't pass soon enough.

By the time I left the house to drive to the airport, it was pouring rain so hard, I found myself grateful for vampire vision, due to visibility being so low.

I was early, about an hour and half before she was due to land. I couldn't pace away my anxiousness; the man sitting across from me was already thinking I was on something by how fast my knee was bouncing.

There were fifty-two green tiles, one hundred and thirty white tiles along with twenty small purple pieces of ceramic around me.

The carpet had four separate colored fibers interwoven in two thousand different carpet strands.

There were forty chairs, give or take, in the baggage area I was waiting in.

I gave up on counting passengers that were coming and going when I looked over at the arrivals board, noticing her plane had landed. I stood up, holding up the flowers as my eyes scanned over every person coming toward baggage claim. If I had a heart, I was sure it would be beating out of my chest.

Finally, I laid eyes on her. She noticed me, her breath hitched and then she broke into a run, not at all caring about the fellow passengers around her. I held my arms open, and the moment she jumped into them, I inhaled deeply, savoring her scent. It was one I could pick out anywhere, anytime, among a million people. It was my beacon to home.

I smelled tears. I looked down at her, pushing her away from me a little so that I could see her face. "Why are you crying? I promised Carlisle I'd bring home a happy Bella." I gave her a smile, hoping it would calm her.

"I _am _happy, Edward. You don't know how nice it is to see you here waiting for me. I'm just so incredibly happy."

Smiling, I pushed her hair away from her face. "May I kiss you, my Bella?"

Her breath hitched as she nodded with a shy smile. My lips met hers, my cold to her soft and warm ones. I gently nibbled at her bottom lip before deepening the kiss, keeping in mind my sharp teeth as I held back venom. With my forehead pressed to hers after one last chaste kiss, I whispered, "I'm so glad you're home."

She grabbed my hand, intertwined our fingers as she pulled me towards the baggage carousel. "I'm ready to go home, Edward."

We grabbed her bags and I led her out towards my car. I put her bag in the back and opened the passenger door for her, waiting for her to buckle in before I went around to my own.

We began to make our way back to the house, the silence in the car comfortable, not at all palpable like the time I drove her home from Port Angeles while she began figuring out just what I was.

"You can turn on the radio, if you'd like," I told her, my mind still on the memories from two years before.

She clicked it on and music filled the car. A soft piano, playing beautiful notes. "Debussy? Clair de Lune?" she asked, her pink cheeks filling with a slight blush. _She was remembering._

"Yeah. You know it? I didn't think you'd listen to classical. It… um, doesn't seem your style." I tried not to laugh as happiness took over me.

"Well, there was this guy once. He listened to classical music all the time, wrote some himself. Even wrote me a lullaby."

"You must have been very special to the guy since he wrote you a lullaby. It must still mean a lot to you and him, yeah?" I asked, trying to play along.

"He left me. I kept that lullaby, listened to it every night, even though music hurt to listen to." She turned her head to look at the window as we sped down the highway. "But I found him again, and I'm hoping he will play my lullaby sometime soon." She turned to me, smiling as she wiped a tear away.

I nodded, emotions stifling my answer. The wound of leaving her when I should have stayed was still fresh, and to be reminded...it hurt.

The silence engulfed us again, so I continued to drive, enjoying her company. As we pulled up into the driveway, the house was dark and my mind was silent. They'd left, most likely wanting to give us privacy. I grabbed her bags and opened her door.

"Welcome home, Bella." I kissed her cheek and took her hand with my free one as we made our way into the house. "Why don't you go up to your room while I make you a snack and bring up your bags, okay?"

She brushed her lips on my cheek and left the room. Her footsteps faltered when she opened her door.

"Oh my- oh, Edward, what did you do?" She let out a sob before sitting down on her bed, the creaks from the mattress gave it away.. "I didn't...I didn't think you'd still have this picture."

I abandoned her snack and went up to her room, quickly pulling her into my arms. "Surprise?"

She wrapped her arms around me, holding on as tight as she could as she nodded. "A good surprise," she whispered into my shirt.

I pulled her down into my lap as I sat down, never wanting to let her go.

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**Thank you for all the reviews and taking the time to read this little story of mine. I truly appreciate it.**


	10. Chapter 9

**June was a busy month for me, but I'm finally getting back on track. I should have Long distance ready today/tomorrow, and then SGMW with A devil in me to follow. Thank you for being patient. I, um, apologize for the upcoming angst?**

**Thank you to Kyla713 and Darcysmom for looking this over. Thank you to Packeh and Heather for reading. **

**So, I'll just let you guys get to it... **

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I stood outside of her door, my back to the wood as I ran over our conversation. She had kicked me out of her room after I asked her about her change, when she'd like to do it. I thought I had come so far, being able to ask her that. She'd said when we came back that she still wanted it, but there was something distinctly different in her eyes. Her silence when I asked her, the way she bowed her head and told me to leave her room...whatever I had left of my heart, shattered.

_I honestly couldn't tell you how long we laid on her bed and cuddled. Time had a different quality for me when I was with her. Instead of dreading time, I found myself soaking up every hour, minute, second that she gave me. I was determined more than ever to not screw this up again, to not take her for granted._

_My fingers lazily combed through Bella's hair as she cuddled closer to me, laying her head on my shoulder. I listened to every breath she inhaled and exhaled, enjoying being at peace. Her voice was what broke me out of my silence. "What made you want to add to my room?"_

_My hand halted in its ministrations as I thought out my answer. "Things seemed to be missing. It didn't seem as lived in as it should have been." I hated myself for what I was about to bring up. "It was nothing like your room in Forks."_

_Her breath halted as her head turned so that she could look up at me. Her beautiful brown eyes were wide and beginning to mist. "But why now? Why while I was gone?"_

_I sighed. "I wanted to do something special for you, make it feel more like a home. You've been with my family for two years, and not many pictures line your walls. No posters, music or books. When I first walked in here, it didn't seem like your room. I didn't like the bareness of it. You deserve better."_

"_Edward...I...You." Bella shook her head and sat up, moving her body away from me, so I followed her stance and sat up next to her. My arm itched to place itself around her shoulders and pull her close, but I refrained. Instead, I folded my arms over my lap and looked over at her, waiting, not at all sure exactly what I was waiting for._

"_I had no reason to make this room mine." Her voice quivered as she then stood up and walked over to the bookshelf that now adorned the wall next to her window. She ran her fingers across the spines, slowly taking in each new title that I had added._

"_Why do you say that Bella? You should know by now that we've all thought of you as a member of this family. You know Carlisle and Esme consider you as a daughter. Emmett, Jasper, Alice and even Rose consider you as a sister. Why, after two years, do you think you don't have a place here?" I made sure my voice was gentle, not at all showing the underlying panic I had inside._

"_It never made sense. None of it ever made sense to me." I wanted to shake her, somehow make her see what I now saw and realized, what we all saw when it came to her, but I sat still, waiting for her to explain. "I've never understood why you guys opened your arms to me so readily, mate or not. I've never belonged anywhere, not even with my own mother and father. That first day you brought me home, the way Esme looked at me, I knew I had found my place, but I still don't feel right taking my place, if that makes sense."_

_I watched her fidget, her fingers constantly pulling at her shirt as she continued to pace back and forth, her heart hammering away in her chest. "Bella, you've been here two years, I still don't understand why you never made this your home."_

"_I was too busy trying to find you that I never really thought...I guess I never thought that I could make this my home." I listened as my family's gasps rang out throughout the house. Esme and surprisingly Jasper all echoed the same thoughts; that it would always be her home. "My only thought over the last two years was finding you, bringing you home. I never thought about the aftermath or what would happen next, I only thought of finding you. I figured that I'd bring you home, and then if you didn't want me, I'd leave. I saw no point in making any of this mine."_

_My eyes searched hers and I found true honesty staring back at me. Just another way I had failed her, and for me to worry about fixing. I doubted that I'd ever be able to make her see that she would always have a place to live. "I won't dismiss your feelings on this, Bella, but you have to know that this is your home, just as much as it is mine."_

"_Can you honestly say that? You haven't been home for nearly two years yourself, Edward."_

"_Carlisle, for all intents and purposes, is my father. He's let me know from day one that I would always have a home with him, as unfair as I have been to him. So, I know that I have a home here, and you've had a home here since you first walked through the doors back in Forks."_

_Bella exhaled loudly before turning away from me, refusing to look at me. "You see.. that is where we differ, Edward. You've always had a place here, a tie to this family." She turned around to face me once more, her eyes slowly making contact with mine. "I don't."_

_The thoughts from my family rang out in my head, some of shock and others of understanding, but most of all, they all had the urge to come up there and tell her differently; to make her see that she did indeed belong with us. I walked over to Bella, and with hope that she wouldn't protest, wrapped my arms around her and held her._

"_You do have a tie here. This __**is **__your home for however long you want it to be, Bella. Esme... Carlisle, they love having you here, we all do. You could have made this room yours. They would have bought you anything, supplied you with whatever you needed." Something flashed in Bella's eyes as she stepped away from me that left me feeling like that moment, whatever it was, was a huge turning point; a deciding factor that was most likely not going to end well for me._

_My hands itched once again to touch her, feel her skin, just to know that we were okay, but I didn't make a move. Instead, I stood there feeling a goodbye take residence again in my chest. We'd barely restarted what we had before and now, that second chance was disintegrating right before my eyes._

"_Edward," she said, tears slowly making tracks down her beautiful face. "What is forever to you? How long do you expect me to be here?"_

_And there it was. The crux of it all. Right back to where we were before I left her back in Forks, to my fears of forcing our life on her. To me being selfish and wanting to keep her forever, but not wanting to take everything away from her._

"_See, you can't even give me an answer. The change...making me like you... that will always hang over our heads. I love you. God, do I love you, but I've done my part. I've loved you no matter what, I've chased you, traveled continents for you, but I can't do it all anymore."_

_Oh, god... I thought. I knew I needed to be honest, to give her what she needed to hear, what I needed to hear myself say. To be brave._

"_Forever, Bella," my voice squeaked out as I took a step towards her. "Forever is just that. Forever. I want to give it to you. All of it."_

_I watched her shake her head as she angrily wiped tears away. "What if.. What if you do change me, and years down the road, you run again? You say goodbye again? I know you say that vampires can't turn away from their mates, but you did just that two years ago. So how can me being changed possibly have any hold when it comes to you? It didn't work when I was human, how can I expect it to work when I am a vampire?"_

_She had a point, and I knew it. For once, I was glad I was getting an honest Bella, one not afraid to voice her opinions to me, but I hated it at the same time. Each statement she threw out, was breaking me apart._

"_You're right, Bella. You are absolutely right." A sob escaped her as she fell to the ground on her knees. She was reading me all wrong. "I made a huge mistake two years ago, one that I will forever pay for. I shouldn't have run away from you then, even if in my own mind, I thought it was the best thing. I was obviously wrong, and I will forever regret it. But Bella, I see it now. All of it. I see a future I can grasp, and not be afraid of now. I know that I want you by my side as my equal for centuries upon centuries."_

_She made no move, said nothing, just continued to sit there in silence. Each unspoken word that made the silence linger was like a punch to my gut, punishing me._

_I sat down on the floor across from her, our knees barely touching. "Can I ask you something, love?" Bella's head snapped up at the term of endearment, her eyes red from crying as she nodded once. "Please don't take this the wrong way, okay? I'm just curious. You've been with my family two years. Why did you never ask Carlisle to change you?"_

_Anger flashed in her eyes again as my family made their thoughts in my head known. Carlisle was berating me, Esme called me an idiot, the rest all said that I should know this answer already._

"_Because it never seemed right. It wasn't you," she told me, and then stood up as she walked toward her door, her hand on the doorknob, slowly turning it. "You don't get it, do you? An immortal life isn't worth living unless it is with you. I haven't had you in my life for two years, Edward. I may love Carlisle as a father, but I would never ask that of him. Not when it should be the man I love changing me. I want to be changed knowing that I am wanted in the next life. That my mate wants me enough to change me himself. I'm not so sure that the change is in my future anymore." She opened the door wide and stepped aside. "Now, I think you need to leave. I have nothing more to say."_

I was brought out of my thoughts when I heard her stereo click on, and her shuffling around her room. I couldn't help but wonder if I had I made another mistake and assumed something I shouldn't have? I thought, with her searching for me for the last two years, that she'd want to still be with me, to be changed.

I slammed my head against her door and closed my eyes as my fist came up and knocked, hoping that she would listen. "I need you to know, Bella, because you have to know that I will love you until the end of my days, whether you are changed or not. I just need you to know this," I told her, as I slumped down to the floor, my back still against the door as I pulled my knees up to my chest and asked the only thing left to ask. "Do you still want me?"

_Please tell me she still wants me as much as she did then, that she still wants an eternity with me. That I still can change this, prove to her that I'll want her just as much as a vampire as I did with her as a human._

I continued to sit there, unable to move, as I stared out the window across from me in the hall. I watched stars shine, moon rise and be replaced with the sun, and still she made no move to come out, no move to talk to me, suddenly leaving me feeling like that second chance we were slowly climbing towards had just gone up in flames.

Funny how doubts work, and dig deep inside of you.

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**So, how are you all? Thoughts?**

**If you guys would like to join my group on fb, you can find me under fanfictions by myonlyheroin. I try to keep my group up to date one when things post, my plans and teasers. Thank you for reading. **


	11. Chapter 10

**Sorry for the wait. I'm slowly trying to come into a routine of getting all my WIPs updated and written now that all three kids are in school. As always, thank you for your patience. **

**Thank you to Kyla713 and Darcysmom for looking this over and Packy for reading.**

**Um, there might be a slight canon twist in this chapter... I'll just leave you to it. **

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"Sometimes even our best intentions fail us," Carlisle said as he sat down next to me, facing the same wall I had faced for the last twenty four hours.

Bella hadn't emerged from her room after a few hours, and I listened to her pace, go into her bathroom, and cry. Still, I sat and stared out of a window, afraid to move from my spot.

I didn't acknowledge him. I knew he had more to say; I was better off just listening. I was so far into my own head that I didn't even care to listen in on his thoughts.

"Hindsight can be such a curse, don't you think? It leaves us with the 'well, if only I had done this' instead. Bit unfair, really. Though, Alice..." Carlisle chuckled, and I finally looked over at him, taking in my father. He looked calm, but his eyes gave way to worry.

"Even if we had Alice's capabilities, it all comes down to listening to them. If you had listened two years ago...if you had taken your mate into account... if you had just let yourself revel in the moment instead of worrying about the what ifs, then we wouldn't be here." He sighed before continuing. "But here we are again... with the same problem, hinging on almost the same outcome."

"I'm not going to run this time if that is what you're afraid of," I said loud enough so that hopefully Bella would hear me through her door. "I can't. It's impossible."

Carlisle sighed and shook his head, his thoughts scrambled enough so that I couldn't decipher them. "It's not you that I'm worried will run this time."

I hadn't even thought of that. I'd always been used to Bella being the strong one, even in the very beginning of our relationship two years before, I expected it. Faced with the possibility of it at the moment, I wasn't sure If I would survive her being the one to leave.

_And yet she survived when you left her. She pulled herself together enough to force her way to stay with your family, to find you._

I wanted to ask him why he thought she'd run, but I think deep down, I knew and feared his answers. She'd simply run for the same reason I ran back then. Fear. Fear of the unknown and unpredictability of our future. She had nothing to trust, and her fears, as much as I didn't want to admit it, were justifiable. I had given her no reason, based on my past actions, to believe that I'd never leave when the going got tough.

Almost as if Carlisle knew what I was thinking, his kind thoughts entered my head. _Maybe now is the time that you should show her that you're serious, that you do want to keep her forever. She needs to know just what forever is to you. Tell her how you envision the future._

"And if she doesn't listen? Then what? I just let it be? Because Carlisle..."

"I'm not saying that at all. You need to fight for her. Since day one, she always fought for you, even when you pushed her away in the beginning. She was patient, and I bet just as scared of something new as you were, and still are."

Plans started to form in my head as I leaned back and closed my eyes. I thought back on our first meeting; the way her heart sped up, her eyes dilated, and the smell of her as she entered the classroom. The way it all changed me in an instant. Two years later, and I still didn't count saving her in Port Angeles and taking her to dinner as being our first date. I didn't think I ever truly gave her a date.

Operation Show Bella The Meaning of Forever was born.

"I think you've got it figured out now, son," Carlisle said before he stood up. "I need my third daughter to stick with us. Even if she doesn't think so, she's the final piece to this puzzle we call our family."

As Carlisle walked away, I listened in on Bella. I heard shuffling and quiet sniffles as she moved around her room. Drawers were being opened and closed, fabric rubbed together.

_Was she packing? Leaving me?_

I stood up quickly, my head bowed against the door, my right hand splayed across it, as if I could somehow feel her through the door. I knocked softly. "Bella?"

"Go away, Edward."

"No. Can we please talk?"

Her footsteps moved closer to the door and I could hear her harsh breaths as her hand landed on the doorknob. She turned it slowly, but didn't open it. Her head softly banged on the door as she sighed. "We have nothing more to say."

"You may not have anything more to say, Bella, but I have a lot that I need to and want to say to you. Please let me in."

If my heart still beat, it would be pounding out of my chest as I became strangled with a panic attack. _I can't lose her, not now._

"I need to leave, Edward. It hurts to be here." At her reply, I banged my head on the door. She was breaking me in two. I supposed that was how she felt when I left her. I felt lost at the thought of her leaving.

"Would you really leave me now after trying to find me for two years?" I asked, desperation coating my voice.

"That isn't fair." She sobbed; the door still remained closed.

"You were never the one to give up on us, why now?" I asked, my hand circling the door knob, close to pulling it open, but I couldn't bring myself to do so. That had to be on her terms.

I listened as her body sagged down the door as tears overtook her. So I kept on talking, hoping something would anchor her to me.

"You were strong enough for the both of us, believed in us when I was too scared. I guess now we've switched roles," I told her, my eyes closing as I tried to shut out the emotional onslaught I was feeling. "Would it help to know that I am scared, Bella? That I'm afraid of losing you?"

Her next words to me broke me apart. "You were never scared before, Edward. In fact, if memory serves me correctly, you were always only half there with me as you tried to push me away. You never truly wanted me." A sob broke free as the scent of her tears became stronger. "I was all in, greedily taking anything you would give me, and still, you stood behind the wall you erected around yourself."

_When truth hits you, it really hurts._

"I am sorry for that, Bella. I really am. If I could go back and have a redo, I would." I sighed, my fist clenching. "Can I please come in now? I really need to see you."

"If I let you in, my walls will crumble. And right now, I really can't afford that."

"Where did I go wrong this time, Bella? I thought we were going to take a chance on us, move forward?" I asked, suddenly needing the answers.

"It wasn't you."

"If it wasn't me, then what, Bella? Tell me what to do, because I honestly can't lose you. And I'm losing you, I can feel it deep down in my bones." My voice wavered with emotion in my reply, fissures of my soul I long since buried began to pull me apart.

"Why did you search for me?" I asked before slamming my fist against the door. "Why did you waste two years of your life if you are just going to run from it now?"

Bella hurriedly stood up and opened the door. Her eyes held a fiery passion as tears tumbled down her cheek. "It was never a waste, Edward!" She wiped her tear-stained cheeks as she stayed rooted in her spot. "I didn't search for you just for me. Your family will always need you. I did it for them."

"But what about you? Don't you not need me? Because standing here, watching us break apart, I can honestly tell you that I need you. I will always need you."

"You didn't need me two years ago when you left me, falling apart in that forest," she countered. "You didn't need me when you made the choice to break my heart into a million pieces. And you sure as hell didn't need me when you decided to take the one true family I've found away from me." Bella crumpled to the ground, her arms came around herself, as if she was holding herself together while she sobbed. The urge to wrap her up in my arms was strong, but I stayed back, unsure if she wanted my touch.

"Now do you see why I can't be here? You never wanted a forever with me before, so why would you want one now? You may say you want it, let me in again, and then leave when something else comes along. You left after you promised you'd never leave me." She looked up at me as her voice cracked with emotion. "I can't trust your promises anymore."

"Then I will prove to you that you can trust me and my promises again," I replied, kneeling down on the floor to bring myself level with her.

"I wanted to believe that a few days ago...I wanted to believe that I was getting closer to a forever with you, but things will never be the same again. I spent so much time trying to find you, that I refused to think about myself, what it would mean for me once I did find you. I think it all has caught up with me. Now, I need to live for me."

Never, in all of my years had I ever let out as gut-wrenching a sob as I did then. I wrapped around myself as cries poured out of me. I truly felt as if my soul was tearing itself in half.

Bella stood up and turned her back on me as she walked to her bed and grabbed her bags and suitcase and began walking back towards me and the door. I looked up enough to watch her walk around me and out her bedroom door.

"Are you leaving me? Is this the end?" I asked, growing numb with each word I uttered.

"I have to."

"No, you don't. You can stay. We can find our way again."

"Our path was lost long ago, Edward."

My breath came in quick short pants as an emotional black hole engulfed me. I could hardly move, and I could do nothing but stare as Bella walked away from me and down the hall, taking my chance at survival with her.

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**So, Thoughts?**

**Thank you for each and every review. They truly do mean a lot to me. **


	12. Chapter 11

**Hey guys! I am so incredibly sorry for the long time in between updates. I try not to take ages, but sometimes RL just gets in the way. I began getting sick in september, was in a lot of pain and was put on a lot of medications. I know this is an excuse, but those medications made it pretty hard to write, even when I did feel up to it. In late December, I had surgery. I can happily say that I feel a lot better now. More like myself, and finally up to writing. Updates should be at least once a week. She gave me words will update next, most likely Wednesday or so. **

**I can't thank you enough for being patient with me, sticking with me. I should also warn that this is slightly NSFW.**

**Thank you to Kyla713 and packy for looking over this. Mistakes are all mine.**

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_Is this what she felt like when I left her? Like she was being ripped apart into a million pieces? That her life had ended?_

Back when I was human, I had never been a truly emotional man. I was taught to never let my weaknesses show, but the stinging in my eyes of tears that would never fall, begged to be shown. My non-beating heart yearned for its other half to make an appearance again, to fix it and make it whole.

I layed there for what felt like an eternity, but knew it was only a matter of minutes in reality. _How long had Bella laid in the forest, waiting and hoping I'd come back? _I turned my head to the left, watching the door, hoping Bella would in fact, reemerge, but all that met me was silence. So, I turned my head back and stared up at the ceiling, sending prayers to a God that would never answer me. I closed my eyes, breathed in deeply, and made a choice.

_I never went back for her, but this time, I would chase her to the ends of the earth if I had to. _

I began to pull myself up to go after her, when a voice I didn't think I'd hear so soon, forced me to turn around.

"You know what the difference is between you and me?" Bella asked, her eyes red and puffy, small tears continuing to make their trek down her tear-stained face.

I shook my head, afraid to talk.

"I could never leave you. No matter how mad I am, how much I hurt, how afraid I am...I could never leave you." Her arms were around her waist, in what I guessed was a protective manner.

"I wanted to leave you, make you hurt like you hurt me, but I got to the front door and stopped. I just stopped. I couldn't carry my body over that threshold." Her voice was scratchy with emotion, and I yearned to wrap her in my arms and hold her until she told me I had to let go, and even then, I highly doubted that I would.

Bella let out a sob as she crumbled down to the ground on her knees. "I came back for you. I couldn't let you hurt like that. Do you know that I wished, and was willing to give anything," she growled. "_Anything_, for you to just come back? I'd have traded my own life if it meant you came back. I didn't care if you were with me when you returned, just as long as you stayed. Because, at least then, I'd still see you in some way. Even though I knew you'd just end up leaving again, I still would've done anythin for you to just come back." Bella furiously wiped away the tears from her face as she sat there, now staring at the floor.

I sat down across from her, my legs crossed, my hands itching to touch her as dark silence engulfed us. I was never one to be at a loss for words; I always had a glimpse into the other mind that would help me form my next move. However, I was beyond the point of just a loss for words; I was at a loss of feeling. I felt like I was drifting in some dense, dark void, slowly drowning. We'd been here so many times before, and each time was harder than the last, more hurtful somehow. What if we couldn't get out of this constant circular loop of hurt? What if we couldn't be what we really needed to be for each other? Would we always let our fears and panic grip us and force us into motionless, pain-filled states?

I pulled her over towards me, and onto my lap. At first, it felt as if she was going to protest and not allow me to hold her, but then she gave in, breathed in deeply and laid her head on my shoulder, allowing her forehead to rest on my neck.

Scrunching my eyes close, I kissed the top of her head and breathed in her scent, allowing it to sear its way into my lungs. "Home," I whispered so softly, I wasn't even sure she had heard it.

Her body locked up as she sucked in a quick breath. "What? What did you just say?"

I pulled her closer to me and said that one word a bit louder than before. "Home."

She pulled her head away from me and turned to look me in the eyes. "Home?" Her beautiful, brown pools held such curiosity and hope.

"Home, love," I told her, taking my right hand, trailing it up to her face and moving her hair out of the way and behind her ear. "I don't think I've ever truly allowed myself to grasp the concept of home. It isn't just a house with walls. I thought home was with my mother and father all those years ago. They gave me a house, but it never truly felt like _home._ And all these years with Carlisle and the rest, was never truly a home. I never let myself go, to just be. But you...you, Bella, you are my home. I think I knew it then, but I'm more sure of it now, if that makes sense." I kissed her cheek softly. "You were always my beacon, and the one person I actually allowed myself to open up to, maybe not fully, but I still told you things that not even Carlisle knows."

Her eyes searched mine. For what, I wasn't sure, but she must have found it because she graced me with a sweet smile before burrowing herself back down into me. "You were the home I always needed, Edward. I never questioned that. You made me feel that this life was worth it."

Bella had always had more faith in us, in herself, than I did. This time around, that was changing. I was going to be the one who carried that faith, and would fight when things became tough. I wouldn't run, I wouldn't allow Bella to run. And I intended to prove to her that I was more than serious about her, about us and our future.

"May I kiss you? I asked, leaning in, my hand on her neck as I gently pulled her closer to me. She quickly exhaled and nodded, so I leaned in, my lips softly touching hers at first, sealing a thousand promises each new time our lips touched. My tongue slowly, cautiously brushed her bottom lip, causing Bella to gasp. Her mouth opened a bit more, and I took the chance and testingly touched my tongue with hers. It was fire and ice, and pure perfection. Our kisses intensified as our breaths grew louder.

I pulled away to allow Bella to catch her breath. "Do you know that I've loved you since the first time your eyes met mine in that Biology classroom? That each kiss you grant me, I still feel like I could fly? Do you also know that I'm not stopping us this time?"

She knew what that meant. Her eyes grew wide as arousal took over and her hands, that were now on my shoulders, began to shake. She was nervous, but ready. She initiated the kiss that time, biting my bottom lip gently, causing me to let out a purr. It was something that I have never let loose around her, but I was letting everything go. I'd still be mindful, of course, as to not hurt her, but I was no longer holding back.

A new form of panic began to take hold, but it wasn't the type as all those times before where I felt like I was drowning in some dark abyss. No, this panic was a good panic; a good anxiousness as we charted into unknown territory. I wanted to be good enough for her. I wanted this to be everything we both needed.

I stood up, lifting her up with me, her legs wrapped around my waist as she kissed her way from my lips down to my neck. I walked us over to her bed and placed her down in the middle of it. I took note of her hair fanned out across the bed spread, how flushed her face looked, but her eyes held an excitement I'd never seen before.

My shirt was the first to come off. I dropped it to the floor, and then kneeled down on to the bed as I aligned my body with hers. Her warm hands roamed my back as I kissed and gently nipped at her neck and collarbone.

"Off. This is coming off," I told her as I pulled off her shirt, throwing it on to the floor next to me. I had to admit, the more skin I was seeing, the more I was drowning in Bella.

Soon, we were both naked, and our kisses turned slower. Her legs were at the side of my waist, and I could feel the heat of her emanating from her center, as my body begged to enter hers.

My arms were up near her head, my fingers trailed down her cheek before I leaned my face down to kiss her lips before slowly pushing into her. The sweetest heat met me, as we both bit back deep groans of pleasure. I watched her face, her reactions for any sense of hurt as I pushed in the farthest I was allowed to go. Her eyes held so much trust and love, my feelings overwhelmed me.

Moving in and out, allowing our passion to build, I reverently told her over and over how much I loved her, needed her, needed us. I kissed her everywhere my lips could reach. I found that my favorite place was a tiny spot behind her ear that always made her shiver. I could tell she was close to the edge, so I picked up my pace, my hand going between us to allow my thumb to brush across her clit. She moaned, holding me tighter as a brighter blush overtook her body. I soon followed her, my head on the pillow as I unleashed a guttural moan, biting into the pillow, so that I wouldn't hurt her, when I noticed an odd feather in her hair. I kissed her once more before sadly pulling out of her and laying down next to her, gathering her closer to me.

"That, I think, was as close to Heaven as I'll ever get." I sighed, brought her hand up to my chest. "And I also think we need to buy you more pillows. You have feathers in your hair."

Bella laughed, and it was then that I noticed how free I truly did feel. That I felt more confident in myself, and what I could bring to this relationship.

I'd overcome one of my biggest fears. Intimacy. And I didn't hurt her.

"I'm glad I didn't leave," Bella whispered, and then kissed my chest, right where my heart should be.

"I'm glad you didn't, either, but I'd chase you if you did. You wouldn't have gotten far. I made a huge mistake the last time we were apart. I'm never allowing a mistake like that to happen again."

She turned her head up to kiss me, boldly rolling on top of me as she deepened each kiss.

She wasn't just my home, she was heaven.

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**Thank you for reading! So, thoughts?**


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